be free…may 2007

be free

So…me again…reading another good book…interesting book…I end up on here saying that a lot don’t I? haha…ok…this one is called

God Chicks by Holly Wagner and it does rock girls!! So check it out…

Anyhooo…I was reading this section on forgiveness and found some interesting things I wanted to share…hope that is alright and if not shut my blog silly!

J

Ok here is the ‘excerpt’ then I will tell ya what struck me…

~She was talking of two friends, one of whom talked down to the other and that friend was hurt over and over by this way her friend treated her and she came to a point where she had to make the decision to forgive this friend or abandon the relationship….she decided the friendship was too important so she forgave these instances as well as shared with her friend how they hurt….it goes on to say…“Offering forgiveness means letting go of the offense whether or not the other person says, “I’m sorry.” Of course, we all need to be willing to say we’re sorry. In fact, go ahead and be the first, but don’t wait to start forgiving until the other person says she is sorry too. If you wait for an apology before you begin to forgive, you are putting the power to forgive in the other person’s hands when it belongs in yours.

Relationships grow on forgiveness, not perfection. Offenses are going to come, so be ready to forgive. Forgiveness is a way of showing that we accept another’s humanity. I believe there are certain relationships I need to maintain and build in order for me to accomplish the mission I have been put on the earth to accomplish , so I can’t just give up on a friend when she does something stupid (and no one is exempt from doing stupid things from time to time).

~~

Forgiveness takes courage and can be difficult for us because it pulls against our concept of justice. We want revenge for offenses suffered. (oh, sometimes we wont admit it but we do!) We want God to bless the offenders with a lighting bolt! You may ask, “why should I let them off the hook?” That’s the problem; as long as you are holding back forgiveness, you’re hooked. Or you may say, “you don’t’ understand how much they hurt me!” But don’t you see? They are still hurting you. You are still living the betrayal, the offense, whatever the crime. You don’t forgive the other person for his sake; you do it for your sake, so that you can be free…free to love, free to be at peace, free to enjoy the day without being eaten up on the inside. ”

So…I just really liked those thoughts…I am a pretty forgiving person…something happens, I get over it…I don’t hold grudges (for too long ) or give up too quickly on relationships. But what this spoke to me was I need to be aware of even the little things that I need to forgive and release…I mean it is obvious when someone has caused us a huge hurt or committed an ‘big’ noticeable sin…and those are things that need to be forgiven and moved on from either with or without that relationship recovering from it. But those little things that hurt or bother us need to be forgiven and let go too…the little things that can eat at us and affect us and thus result in affecting our relationships in which the hurt was birthed. I am a typical ‘stuffer’…I take in, and I take in, and I take in until I am topped off, tired, emotionally drained, and go into hiding or meltdown …J Some things I shouldn’t ‘take’ at all…some things I need brush off and not take so personal… some things I need to let go, forgive and get outta my mind/heart…etc. Even if it is miscommunication, misunderstandings…whatever…it might be better to forgive what ever is affecting you and move on…no?…we can get so bound in little things…and the little things add up, and together they can make a pretty powerful cord in which we eventually find ourselves knotted. I don’t know about you, but any way I can keep myself less tangled and stressed…I am going to at least try!…so I am going to practice this…and see how it goes…to me, it sounds like a freeing way to live ya know?

So I challenge you to search your heart and mind for things that seem tangle you up…forgive the ‘offender’ and move on…and if you can and it is appropriate….talk to them, share what has been hurting you and explain how you need to let it go…imagine what our relationships could be like or the new relationships we could have… if we let the little things go…we are so worried about this or that…forgive that girl you barely know, that made a rude comment about your new shirt out of insecurities of her own…be free…forgive that friend that seems to not understand how her jokes about rednecks hurts your feelings…be free…forgive that close friend who let you down…be free…

And to those who love me and I love…know it isn’t something particular that set this blog in motion…none of you have done anything that made me go off in a ‘hurt rant’ or forgiveness frenzy J Just read this part of the book and thought…’that is another way to ‘be free’…and it seems lately I have been really searching how to ‘be free’ from all the ‘stuff’ that bogs us down (especially us girls…cuz well, I am one…) and keeps us from truly meeting our potential in Christ…that journey to find and become all that He made us to be…just another stepping stone on the winding path to that destination…

lies speaking part 2…march 2007

worthy?

here is part two…warning this gets a little more ‘ouchie’ haha…not easy to hear or want to hear…but good to realize and understand…again, these are things i truly feel God laid on my heart, and things i deal with myself…no holier than thou’ anything going on…just burdened with these thoughts…take care!

lies….there are soooo many ways to talk about them…so many ways they attack us, sooo many things we believe.. did you notice how most of the lies we hear and dwell on all begin with the word ‘I’ I cant change, I am socially awkward, i am doing the best i can, i am this, i’m not that, i deserve this…that and the other thing…I, I, I!!!! If they don’t start with I there is a good chance there is a me, we or another reference to ourselves within them… what i have found in my life, is the moment i start feeding into those lies…the moment i start to hear them and then feed them, and if i am really feeling like a pity party i start to make them a cozy nesting place in my mind, i bring them treats, i nourish and stroke them and they get bigger and consume more of me and in reality they take over my mind…when you really think about it, if we are feeding and consumed with the lies about ourselves, about what others think about us…and about how God is not doing what we think should be. We have to be so careful, to not Become so overly focused on self amidst the lies. When we get into a pattern of that thinking it is all about us, ourselves… we beat ourselves up, we might not be very nice to ourselves possibly more condemning ourselves with what we didn’t do or should have done…but we are still being completely absorbed.. in ourselves….that is what the devil wants, he needs us absorbed in our own thoughts, in our own selves because if we are busy and consumed there then we are not seeking the Face of Christ we are not fully going after God, reaching our potential in HIM and we are not living what He intended for each of us…which is amazing and beyond our imaginations…but staying consumed within our own selves and our needs/hurts and ‘feelings’ keeps us at bay, keeps us busy and not a threat to him. Keeps us from seeing Christ we need to nip those times in the bud, we need to hear the thoughts flooded with i, and me and catch them before we let them nest comfortably and grow and hatch new little lies….we need to replace the I’s with God and we will find the truth…

-I can’t change…but God can change me…

-I am doing the best I can or I can’t do this…I can do all things through CHRIST who strengthens me…

-i have to look out for me…GOD is looking out for me and has my best interest at heart I just need to stay focused on HIM

see how just a couple words can change our mindset and in turn point us toward the truth? I’m not saying it is easy, oh my word it is not…it is not easy to pull yourself from the quicksand of the lies which is pulling at you and intent on taking you to a suffocating death…BUT GOD…with each thought you give to God, with each transformation of a lie to a truth you will be pulled out inch by inch…most of the time it is a slow process, one that takes time to adjust thoughts and bring in truths…try that, to be in constant lookout for truths… He is wanting you to hear them and know them and take them as His gift…we need to open our ears, our eyes and our hearts to them so they can bring on the transformation He has promised us. God has been revealing to me a lot about this, i am a self beater upper, there is always something i should have done better, said better, done differently…i beat myself up with what are essentially lies… another way for devil to take me down, to put the focus on me and not Christ…but every time i beat myself up, every time i put myself down or accept a lie into my life and heart…what am I doing to my heavenly Father’s heart? He created us in His own image, we are His delight, we are His heart and He loves us beyond comprehension….basically He thinks we are the greatest thing!! Yet we believe all these lies that say otherwise…are we basically saying He doesn’t know anything…that God is naive and silly to think we are worth loving and delighting in? Aren’t we in a sense…putting Him down? But God, you don’t understand, I’m not that pretty, I don’t fit in, I am stupid, I,I,I…are we honestly thinking we know better and more then He? Are we insane? We don’t. God sent His son to die for us, on the cross because he LOVED us so much, because we were/are WORTH it….because He sees more in us than we do in ourselves…He sees the TRUTH…He knows our potential in Him…through Christ…we are more than conquerors…we

are more than just us…we are empowered and beautiful and amazing. As C.S. Lewis wrote we are “everlasting splendors” ….through Christ….and only through Christ. most of you have probably seen the Passion…Are we worth Jesus’ horrific and tormented last days? His crucifixion and last gulps of jagged breath? i don’t feel worthy, Everything in me says no…no im not…we aren’t worthy… we don’t live like we are nothing we ever do is going to make us worthy…if we had a face like her, talent like hers, if if if…it would not make us any more worthy…… but God says…God says YES!!! Yes you are!!!!! You are worthy of my love of my death… you are worthy of my heart , of my eyes lighting up at the mention of your name…YOU are worth it!!! But you must accept it…you must shed the lies you live in, the self you live for….you must die to that and find your truth, your true worth…in ME and only Me…

 

“Then you will know the Truth and the Truth will set you free.”

John 8:32

lies speaking…march 2007

for any of you who missed the Embrace night LIES…I thought maybe you would like to get a glimpse into the night…so I am blogging some of my notes(yes for those of you who didn’t know, i spoke…gasp!! it was totally in obediance and faith when asked by the Big Guy…there might have been a bit of kicking and screaming as well..haha), taken in the middle of the night, when the Holy Spirit was really flowing through me and onto the page…hope it makes sense in this format…and we really missed you last night!!!to perceive: to understand or interpret something in a particular way. this is something i have had in my mind a lot over the past months. we perceive a lot, what they are doing, what we are going to do…why she did this or that…usually they are based on what we see going on around us mixed in with our feelings. yes, we are a very feeling species aren’t we? our Perceptions run wild and free on the subject of each other don’t they? there is nothing worse to the enemy than Christians bonding and growing together, encouraging and uplifting each other in TRUTH…and i believe we as women are supposed to do that, were made to do that…encourage, uplift and keep each other going… and that is why the enemy works soooo hard to feed us and keep us fed with lies about each other and relationships… the perceptions we choose to believe, whether they be truths or lies are what contributes to how we act and react to each other. People, we need to be so careful…we can be so mean, so judgmental, we can be so critical and cruel…just in our minds!! they can be lies about ourselves…how we aren’t good enough, smart enough or pretty enough to name just a couple…or lies about the other person/s…they don’t like me, they are too busy, they don’t care…they are this they are that….or even lies about the situation around us going on feelings instead of facts, taking our perceptions as reality.

I have wondered a lot lately, though God brought it to mind last year… is my perception Your reality? is your perceptions of me my reality? we really don’t know if we don take the time to find out. instead we use those lies and perceptions to build walls to keep each other out. to keep ourselves safe and inside…don’t want to put ourselves too out there…or lean too far over the wall that we become exposed and therefore known because what then? would they like us? would we get hurt…of course we could…. we need to stop believing the lies that each other doesn’t care or want to know us, we all WANT to be loved we all NEED to be known…and the only things stopping us from having that is the lies we stack up in front of ourselves and shield ourselves with. we need to start taking down those walls and barriers of lies and half truths and perceptions, we need to help each other start taking down the walls…if you are willing to try i am sure there is another person out there willing to do the same and to help you with yours as you help her with hers. will it be easy and pain free? no, i am sorry i wont lie, i don’t think it is ever easy to break free of lies, or to be that open with another person, leaving ourselves feeling vulnerable….but i believe there is a freedom, sweet freedom and joy that comes in doing that. Of letting in the truth and choosing to believe when our mind doesn’t think it is smart…of jumping into the pool of faith and grace and washing away the stains left by the years and years of lies. what a blessing that is ours for the taking!! i believe. God made us to need relationships He never intended us to go this life alone, we are wired for that need, and we flourish in those moments of finding love and acceptance. we need each other…

No one has ever seen God; but if we love one another, God lives in us and his love is made complete in us!! 1 John 4:12

If tomorrow never came…

 written May 2006A month ago, I wondered if my husband would be with me in a few weeks. I contemplated the impossibility of life without him and the fear of him never knowing how deeply I loved him. This blog has been in my head and on my heart for awhile, but the time and words wouldnt come. Tonight I was inspired to sit and let it flow. This is a result. Letting it flow by the way means this isnt a perfect essay paper or book. It is my heart telling my brain who in turn tells my fingers what to type so bear with me on it not being fully coherent or even making any sense. J (yes, I am aware most of my blogs come with this same disclaimer)(and can I just say I hate that this formats without apostrophes? drives me nuts…I do know what they are for anyone wondering…)

Life is short. We all know that or at least say that but do we believe that? Do we LIVE like it is and LOVE like it is? If you found out tomorrow you would die, what would you do today? Would you go into work? Would you run out and party? Golf? Find the nearest buffet? Go on a shopping spree?  Would you call your favorite people in your life to hear their voice one last time. Would you gather your family, children, spouse, loved ones around you, holding them tight and not let them go until your last breath? When my husband got hit and I was running out the door to follow the ambulance the only thing besides his well being was making sure my kids were ok. The house could have gone up in flames, my valuables could have been taken, it did not matter to me. Nothing mattered but the ones I loved. Not all the petty things that had been consuming my day just a half hour before, nothing. In a way, looking back, it was quite freeing, the not caring felt good. Why does life consume us to the point we forget what is important to us? And if we dont forget, do we take the time for them?

Why is it so hard sometimes to show love to the ones we love. When does that appreciation of them cross the line to irritation? Is it when the toilet seat is left up? Or the milk is left sitting out all night? Is it when the whole bag of cat food is emptied onto the kitchen floor? When they dont return your phone calls because they are too busy or forget a special day?

Why does life get so busy!? Is it possible to still prioritize the things that mean the most to us, in that chaos of -busy- that runs our lives? Is there such thing as too busy to love? Too busy to care? There must be a way to juggle it all. And really if there isnt, would that be why it is called prioritizing?

How do I prioritize? Do I let the dishes and mountains of laundry get in the way of our puzzle or lego time? What about favorite tv shows or the (gasp) internet?  Am I taking the time for the things I love most, enough? I hope so, I want to, I try.

But am I?

Do the people who mean the world to me know it? Have those that have touched my life been thanked? Why is it the people we care about most are quite often the last to hear it? Why is it easier to think I love you or tell another how much someone means to you but not actually tell the person? I know I have trouble sometimes, showing how I feel.  Is it, in part, to the fear of rejection, of them not feeling the same way back possibly? But if we all fear that same thing, then are we all joining a dance of not wanting to be hurt or vulnerable or alone? If so how will anyone know? How will they know I care? How will I know they do? There is not a more wonderful feeling in this world than knowing you are loved. That you belong, that you are thought of, liked, cared for, appreciated. That is what we all want. Need. Sometimes it means going on a limb and saying it first. Sometimes it means showing it. It should always mean showing it. If you love them why would you not want to. Unless we are scared. Or too busy. Or just dont realize that we arent doing our job as someone who loves them.

Why is ones death bed so many times depicted as a time for reconciliation? I understand wanting to clear it up, but why do we as humans hold onto things and draw things out so much that it has to wait until then? What about the times when there is no expectation of a life cut short? As scary as it is to be the first to try to reconcile, it is a very freeing thing to work through it and forgive and experience the love covering past hurts and healing your heart. People let grudges and conflict keep them from loving each other for years. Years they cant get back, years worth of memories never to be made. The love is always there somewhere. You cant have that much hurt and pain without their being love there. If you didnt love you would never look back, you would never keep that person in your heart, even if it is only with negative thoughts. I dont know how to go about fixing that type of a severed bond, but I encourage you if you are a part of one, to try to find a way, before it could possibly be too late.

If you died today, would those that hold up your world know how much you needed and loved them?

All this rambling on to say, life is short. Life is a gift. LOVE is a gift. Squeeze every moment, every flavor, every joy, every pain, every possible thing out of it. Do NOT take it for granted. The life or the love. Do Not forget to tell those you love that you do indeed love them. Do Not forget to show them. Do Not forget to let them love you. Let them know how you feel and when you do you will feel more love than you did. Be free. Take your relationships deeper. Truly CARE. Truly LOVE. Christ died to give us life that we may live abundantly! What is an abundant life without love? We are given the gift of LOVE. Why dont we fully embrace it, use it, give it, feel it. We can not truly live the life God intended if we arent discovering the many facets of the Love He gave us. And we can not change that unless we search our hearts for what is the most important to us, what we would want to hold onto until our last breath. What we come alive for. Please find what that is, or who that is, and let them know. Let them know how they have made your life better just for being in it. How they bless you and how you love loving them. It isnt sappy. Ok maybe sometimes it is but so what? I would rather be sappy and learn to love fully then to go through this tangled web of a road called life and never experience love fully and deeply. 

 To those of you I love, may you know you are (loved). And know I am trying to remind you continuously that I do. I need you and want to make sure I do my best to show you how much I care!! For those of you who love me and let me know with words or actions, Thank you. You will never know the way you bless my very being. I am living a life more fully alive and beautiful because He placed you in it!

Perceptions vs. Reality

are your perceptions

my reality

is what you think i am

what i am to be

could i be more than you see

more than you know

could my true reality be my own

 

when will who i really am

begin to show

if you knew me, would you relieve

the views you hold onto

that make me not what i am

but what you assume to be

 

i’m trying so hard to be the woman

His Heart intends

the battle within myself is

exhausting enough

without other’s judgment imposed on me

please take a look and try to see

the woman that i am

the real that is me

 

oh what freedom there could be

if we took our viewed realities

and stopped nailing each other

to false beliefs and our preconceived

to drop the stones we’re poised to hurl

and rather choose to pause and see

one another immersed in our own realities

to look beyond the fear beyond the hurt

both yours and my own

to see the girl God died to save

the woman He in His likeness made

though flawed and scared she too is His

and loving her

is loving Him

just setting up the next few blogs…

i am copying them off of my myspace page…the ones

that i really felt spoke through my heart onto the page…

so if you have seen them before sorry! and maybe they can use another look through…?

Fault Lines

I’m reading a thought provoking and challenging book called Having a Mary Spirit by Joanna Weaver. I never read the book “Having a Mary heart in a Martha world” but it is by the same author and
I hope to read that one even if it is in reverse order

It is a great book in that it painfully points out selfish human flaws but helps us to realize that through Christ those things wash away and we can be a new and whole person through Him and living in His Spirit, continuously striving for that Mary spirit and heart, we can become more like Him and fully live as He has asked us to.

Anyways, enough about the book, there is tons to share…and I recommend it to anyone who is interested (or not interested haha). Today I want to focus on what stirred my heart in the chapter i just read. Wow I love books that overload you with insightful thoughts and new angles to look at. Ok so, focusing…haha…here is my question.

“what is the fault line in your soul?”

we all have one, deep within the core of our very being, way down inside where we cannot even

see….somewhere deep with in our soul lies a fault line…the basis for all that motivates us…the thing that whether we understand and actually know it or not drives us to do what we do, live, love and be who we are. Wow huh? The crazy thing is for the most part we don’t even know it exists and even if we do figure that out, we don’t know how to fill it, to fight it, to prevent it from sucking us into it’s dark crevice of sinful nature.

“-we all have fault lines, core issues that fuel our desires and shape our actions. And when we give in to our natural impulses and go against God’s ways, we may get what we want but lose what we need most.

An awareness of God’s presence

His blessing on our lives. “

“…when the enemy can’t storm the gate of our salvation, he looks for a break in the wall, even the tiniest crack. A weak spot he can exploit.”

“But if you do not do what is right, sin is crouching at your door, it desires to have you, but you must master it.” Genesis 4:6-7″

Fault lines can be many things…things you think might be the bigger problem might only stem from a larger problem, buried deeper inside. Anything could form the fault line… perfectionism, need to appear successful, obsession with possessions, need to be the best, need to “know” or control, need to be right, need to do and be seen doing, hypocrisy….the list is endless.

“…it is so important to allow God to expose and confront the cracks in our characters…pointing out flaws in people He met. He wasn’t trying to humiliate them. He wanted to alert them to danger and point the way toward their healing.”

ouch huh? I don’t know about you, but i am already keenly aware of how human i am and can be. It isn’t always fun to hear of more ways my fleshly nature is rearing up and how far from being the Christlike child He sees in me, I am. But how wonderful to know that He wants to show me these things to make me more like Him. Not said with a wagging finger and disappointed look but rather with open arms and a tear in His eye. He cares so much about me and who I am and who I am becoming that He is willing to put me through the ‘ouches’ to show me how to become a better person and child of God. Isn’t the sacrifices He made, the death that He endured, worth me self examining and trying to weed out who I am and what makes me tick, though it might not be ‘fun’? Is it fun? Not entirely, unless you are the kind that likes to rip out your heart and stomp it a bit before returning it to it’s proper place. But remember, we are human, He knows and accepts this and LOVES us despite what that entails and it is about time we do the same!(preaching to myself here too ). Learning to love ourselves despite the earthly, consumed beings we are…to stop beating ourselves up and instead working to make ourselves better. For Him. Are we not worth His death? Is beating ourselves up and tearing ourselves down doing justice to the price He paid for us and the Love He extends to us? To think we aren’t worth some effort in self evaluation and improvement is to say His loving gesture was in vain.

So I encourage you to take a step outside of yourself, myself included.. Take a moment or many actually, to start trying to understand who you are and what lies in those dark corners of your heart. We all have them, you are not alone. And you don’t have to do it alone. If asked the Spirit will lead you directly to things you are looking for, clutter you need to dispose of. If you are willing and if you ask, He will be faithful in helping you find and destroy the dark passages of your heart. You need only ask. You need only be willing and open. It is work and it is an ongoing process, all He asks is that you are willing.

Please, make this new year a year of weeding out the clutter and selfish wants that motivate you and experiencing a refilling of His desires, hopes,dreams and plans for your future where once was only death and darkness. Can you imagine the life you could live? Can you imagine the FREEDOM in HIM? Amazing.

 

it’s snowwwwwing!

it’s snowing!!!!

so, our plans to pack the trailer today are ka-put! but it is pretty outside!! i love how snow covers up the ugh of the dirt and dead grass…makes things look magical and beautiful….sigh…

we will be packing up here wed morning and heading to sartell and the great unknown (ok just trying to sound dramatic here haha) in the afternoon!

hope you are all enjoying the snow, and staying cozy warm inside! cocoa/cider and movies is my recomendation!

mel

I’m here!

Hi

So I thought it was about time I posted something here, I have tons to post and say but not the time to do it in….so for now just a lil’ update…we are in the throes of packing away and the chaos that ensues! we pack our trailer up in 3 days…on the 1st of Dec. (brrr!!) and then will unload it and move in on the 5th…just hoping nothing freezes and cracks…it is amazing how plastic breaks when frozen…haha…while it would be good to get rid of some things, it would be nice to not have to explain to a 4 year old why dora’s arm is now gone…

That is about it here for now…we are all over some stomach bug we had last week….it was ROUGH! All 5 kids got it, so it took a week to leave us…didn’t get much packed…oh well…but all are on the mend and packing is going pretty smoothly… where does all this stuff come from!?

Hope you are having a wonderful beginning of the wintery weather and start of the Christmas season!!

Have a lovely day!

mel